As any hot-blooded, red-meat-eating, lesbian-loving man will gladly tell you, Frank Miller’s 300 is the pinnacle of human artistic achievement. But, what exactly made this movie so awesome? Was it the blood? Was it the unwavering spirit of the Spartans? Was it the oddly grotesque Persians? In this article, I’ll go into detail about why this film was greatest ever made.
1. Nothing is more manly then a man in a loin cloth. This is the tried and true formula that made other movies, like Gladiator and Apocalypto, so great. A man who is willing to go into battle, with no armor other than his chiseled abs, is the kind of man you can bet will kick ass. I don’t know about you, but if I were going to war, to fight against overwhelming odds, I’d want to be fully clad in plate mail. But not these guys; they know they’re so great, they don’t need armor.
2. Deformity runs rampant. For the same reason we slow down on the highway to look at a car accident, we can’t help but stare at a person’s hideous disfigurement. And, 300 has enough deformation to sate any man’s thirst for the gross and disturbing. You are treated to hunchbacks, giants, men with blades for arms, men with no arms, and men with faces so disturbing, they have to be hidden behind masks. Somewhere in the human psyche, there is an innate want to see the disgusting, and this film certainly caters to it.
3. Cool camera shots. The entire movie is shot in a dark, artistic, and very surreal way. No single scene is entirely clear, you see only what the director wants you to see. This makes for a movie-going experience second to none. If you were lucky enough to see 300 in the theatre, then you know how completely immersive this film is.
4. Epic battle scenes. Rhinos charge, elephants fall off cliffs, ships sink, and thousand of Persians die in minutes. Is there anything better than the feeling you get while watching the sheer amount of violence involved in an epic battle scene? I think not.
5. Nudity. No man’s movie is complete without gratuitous nudity. In 300, we get it in the form of a drugged up oracle, a queen, and weird, but oddly-sexy Persians. Although the actual nude-scene count is not extraordinarily high, there is enough to get a man through a movie.
Hopefully, if you haven’t already seen 300, this will convince you to do so, and if you have seen it, to watch it again. It’s the kind of movie all men love, and no women get. It’s the kind of movie where you can watch homo-erotic battle scenes, and still walk away with your manhood intact.