GIMMÉ MUR SCHWÄG, Boldface’s chain-smoking fashion editor, is extremely selective about the events she covers. But when she heard that JESSICA SEINFELD and SARAH JESSICA PARKER were among the chairwomen of the American Museum of Natural History’s Museum Ball, she demanded that she be there.
How had she put it in the message she left for us while having her hair done?
That adorable, brilliant Jessica, who bolted from her first marriage mere weeks after the honeymoon to marry true love JERRY SEINFELD, who even you people must know is worth an estimated $250 million. She is my inspiration!!!
Tragically, the evening did not quite turn out as Ms. Schwäg had hoped. Still, she’s a pro, and managed to give us the following dispatch telephonically from Silver Hill, where she is being treated for morbid depression:
Excuse me, but I’m still so furious I could spit. I schlep up to the Museum of Natural History to see Sarah Jessica Parker and Jessica Seinfeld on Wednesday night; the Jessicas, I will say, are stunning. Each in their one-of-a-kind NARCISO RODRIGUEZ gowns. Ms. Seinfeld’s is sky blue with a train, the meaning of which became clearer to me later. Ms. Parker’s is white and – no, it’s all too upsetting, let’s get to it later.
Is there any venue more singular than the MILSTEIN Hall of Ocean Life, with the dioramas of underwater life on the walls, the atrium windows, and the blue whale suspended from the ceiling. The whale, like so many of the people in the room, has had work and is remarkably well preserved. (Heh! Heh! HACK! COUGH! Oh, it’s good to laugh again, though it’s probably the Zoloft.)
Among the guests are BILLY JOEL and his bride, KATE LEE JOEL. No renovations for her; she is five years older than his daughter, ALEXA RAY JOEL, who is 18. The beautiful bride is wearing a tight black satin dress; Mr. Joel appears extremely happy – but don’t they always? (Heh! Heh! Haaaack!) During the cocktail hour, he tells me that his grandfather had designed an exhibit at the museum and took him here as a boy. He’s warm, funny. What can I say? Some people know how to behave.
During dinner, I stop by the RALPH LAUREN table, where AMY SACCO, KAROLINA KURKOVA, the fashion editor MARY ALICE STEPHENSON, and several of their friends are seated.
[b They are joined by GERARD BUTLER, the Scot who is star of ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER’s new film, “The Phantom of the Opera.” Mr. Butler arrives in great spirits, with a scruffy beard and wearing a pin-striped Ralph Lauren suit. (Well, darling, connect the dots.) Then he gives each woman a long kiss. Ms. Stephenson gets an especially long one.
“I love Scotland!” Ms. Sacco screams across the table. “Scotland, it is the best country in the world.”
Mr. Butler is also very happy.
“I just got off the Warner Bros. private jet from L.A.,” he says, very excited. “I just arrived and my friend sent over a suit.”[/b
The time has come for GARY ZARR, a gentleman from the museum, to introduce me to the Jessicas. They are at a large round table, laughing with friends. I stand back, for as you know, I am nothing if not polite. Next thing you know, I see Ms. Seinfeld is leaning over the round table to speak to Ms. Parker.
“Boldface Names,” she says, wagging her head and finger. “NO!”
(I did mention high up that before her marriage Ms. Seinfeld worked as a publicist for TOMMY HILFIGER, yes? And she was married to first husband, ERIC NEDERLANDER, but a short time before she left him for Mr. Seinfeld? Oh, O.K. Just checking.)
I did manage to speak with the charming Mr. Rodriguez. What are the ladies like to design for?
“They are very strong-willed women,” Mr. Rodriguez says. “They know what they like.”
Oh there’s a surprise.
I return to the Lauren table and chat with Mr. Butler. Eventually, Ms. Stephenson takes him by the arm, to introduce him to the Jessicas. Her, they oblige.
At evening’s end I see Ms. Parker departing. She piles into the back of a black Mercedes with Mr. Rodriguez and tilts her head back on the rest. Then the window comes down and she and Mr. Rodriguez pull out cigarettes and light up.
Like they’ve had a tough night.